Again, I laid on my bedroom floor, crying out, please, someone who cares call me! A minute later the phone rang! I was excited and happy, yes, there is someone! My caller ID app had it listed as “Credit Card Scam”…
Okay, Isis, why can’t you be done with it and move on? For one thing, it’s a struggle to get out of bed, or even take a shower anymore. Showering means I have to go in the bathroom, the mirror is there…which means I have to look at myself. I see just how truly pathetic I’ve become. I so want to be that Phoenix rising from the ashes, but Fred is at the top of the heap, his ghost trampling me down even further. Half of me wants him to receive all the pain I perceived him of putting me through, while losing all I lost to him, and the other half wants to call and beg his forgiveness.
After hours of those thoughts, I decided to take a hot bath. I debated on whether I should try to reach out to him. What would I say? “Oh, Fred, please forgive me.” Then, it dawned on me: What would I be sorry for? It wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do, it was who I am. That’s what I have to be sorry about: Who I am, which having Bi-polar Disorder is a big part of me.
I can’t talk to my son, or my brother, I love them both, but my son is sick of hearing about him and my brother hasn’t any idea what to say. The few people I talk to say nothing but the bad things he did. I already know that!!! I can’t help that I love him and want to be with him so much. I so want an impartial person to talk to, to cry on. But if I had someone, would I? Probably not, I’d be to ashamed and dig out my tattoo smile I wear to work.
I haven’t been watching any of my TV shows for the last 2 weeks, I actually watched one last night. My focus on it wasn’t as intense as before, but watched enough to get caught up with it. Baby step, right? How proud I was of myself, again, Gloria Gaynor sang in my head. I though, “Wow, I’ll get up tomorrow and it will be a new day, a new chapter only I can write! When I went to set my alarm, I noticed the time was when I usually received my “Goodnight” call from Fred. Back down to my reality.
I awoke and found a dear person took the time to read my blog post. How kind and thoughtful, and the expressions/words were encouraging. It is going to take me a long time to move on. I so want to let it all go, but one of my joys in life is gardening, which is something Fred and I had in common, in fact, his business revolves around it. That is where most of the products I use came from, and he is an expert in that area.
I checked my email, a seminar is happening soon that I know Fred would love, has to do directly with his business and should go to. I clicked on it, I called Mr. Visa, again, to order us spots and surprise him! Oh, yeah, Isis, your not together anymore…and he would rather die than go with you…I thought, well, maybe I should just go myself, I could benefit from it as well. But what if he ends up being there, and with another girl? Another (more important) reality set in again, your charging your credit cards back up again. At that point, I noticed the time, my son should have been home from work by now. He’s working his butt off, 5, 12 hour days a week, with an hour and a half drive each way. He’s doing all this (he’d never admit that’s why) to pay ALL the household bills, paid the $600 to get my vehicle fixed and pays for me to “run away”. He could move closer to his job and get a place much cheaper than what he pays here. The point is so I can get my card balances down and some paid off. I quickly hung up on Mr. Visa and closed the tab. Elroy is pretty much cleaning up the mess I made by helping Fred. Again, I’m the one who made the choice to do it, but I honestly thought we’d be together forever and I’d see a return.
In almost 40 years, I never believed true love existed, until I met Fred. A few recently have said, “You’ll meet the true, right one someday.” No, Fred was it, I’ll never have that kind of chemistry with another, give every part of my being to, love and care so much for them that I’m terrified of losing them. Been there, I see how that worked out for me. I found that with the kind of love I longed for and never believe in, is something I can’t have. Should I ever meet that “special someone”, and I start to even an inkling it could be true again, I’ll run as far and as fast the other way as I can. I’ll remember who I was when I thought I’d found it before, and I don’t like that person at all, I’ll never become this way again. If that means I live what little life I have left alone, so be it. Can a person with Bi-polar Disorder be in love? Yes, but for me, no, not possible.
Talking to my son this morning when he came home from work (yeah! I was getting worried!), he mentioned something he’d heard in a podcast: We sometimes are so comfortable with all the pain, it is the travel into the unknown that terrifies us the most. So, I am telling myself, “Go where you’ve never been before.” But, alas, I’m sure in 10 minutes, I will be back to pining…