Phases Map

It’s taken me over a week to finally post this. With my mind being “all over the map”, I’ve only been writing in short “spurts”. Rereading, I realized, wow, this post sure takes one across that map, visiting “attractions” of my paranoia, anger and hopelessness, with FEW “up” phases. “Rapid cycling” going on here. But, I also somehow managed to throw in some positive thoughts, even suggestions on my gardening hobby (this week anyway).

I decided to go to our Garden Mart and get some plants, while facing a fear, if you will (reminder of Fred–see last post), at the same time. It was windy, but sunny and otherwise nice. I told Mr. Visa he wasn’t coming, and took only $30. On the way, I suddenly became paranoid. “I bet he decided to set up a booth! I just KNOW it! He has some young, hot girl there, just to taunt me! Why would he do that to me? I’ll make a scene and tell everyone just what he’s done!” Paranoia becoming determination, I boldly walked through the park.

After thoroughly searching it, I saw no signs of his business, him or his hottie. I calmed down, even somewhat enjoyed myself, though only $6 of the $30 went to plants. $5 went to basket raffles (no surprise, I didn’t win anything) and $6 to cheese fries and a coke (grease, caffeine and sugar, just what I needed not eating much the last 2 days). As I walked back to my car with the plants, I saw fudge. Fudge, at a Garden-mart!? Like a zombie to living flesh, I devoured 8 different samples. $10 went to that. As I set the plants in my vehicle, I thought, “Wait a minute! How could I miss FUDGE the first time I walked through? I didn’t look good enough!” Even though the few bucks I had left wouldn’t cover anything else, I walked back through anyway. Still no sign. I should have come the day before, it’s possible he was there.

On the way home, I saw a car parked on the street exactly like his. “He WAS there! He hid from me, he and his new hottie were watching me! Laughing the whole time! This is his new woman’s house–I just KNOW it! He risked the drive up here and closed his store for her! The B*****d never did that for me! He’s in there f*****g her right now!” I went 3 blocks out of my way, seething and determined to find him. The 5th time around, I pulled over and looked inside, wasn’t his. Relieved, “Maybe there is still a chance!” The snowball in hell popped into my head. “Uh, no Isis, there’s not.”

Feeling like a waste and tears in my eyes, I went straight to bed. Laying there, my chronic pain worsened and a migraine was starting. I downed pain pills, laid for a bit more, but the pain wouldn’t go away completely. I said “Screw this, pain or not, windy or not, I’m going out to prep more garden plots!”

It was about 4 p.m. “Fred’s store is closing! I just KNOW his parents’ are driving him here to do something mean!” I frantically gathered my garden tools, soil, etc. “They will mess with my car!” I repeatedly pressed the remote lock, beep after beep. “Wait, if I’m back in the garden, I’ll never see them coming!” I locked my doors. I’d never done that before and would leave my tea and phone on the porch. “Oh, no, they’ll put something in my tea and steal my phone!” In the garden cart they went…

I noticed my compost was rich and finished, smelled wonderful! I mixed that in with the soil, dried grass, mulched leafs, earthworm castings and bat guano (all excellent amendments, if your prepping, not directly planting your seeds/seedlings, as it may burn them). I mixed my “concoction” with newly found pride.

I add a can of beer once a week to my compost (helps it break down), and dried nettle (boosts the proper ratio of Nitrogen to Carbon). There’s so much info on the web, one site:

Though Fred is an expert on gardening, I realized, “I didn’t learn any of this from him! I’d been doing this before we ever met! Why didn’t any of this dawn on me over the last 6+ years? Wow! Even ‘garbage’ can evolve into something useful and wonderful!”

Sudden anger: “The B****d helped 10% with my home and garden in all those years! It was never a 50/50 with us! 90 me/10 him! Damn him! How could he have done this to me! I hope he loses all he took from me and gains all the pain I’m in–10 fold!!!”

Despite the pain, the adrenaline rush of those angry, vengeful thoughts helped me pull the heavy cart to the garden. Approaching the garden, the calm sense of pride returned. “It’s going to be great this year, without him! And none of the products came from his store! I knew most of the stuff before him, and if I want, I can buy that stuff elsewhere!”

Hopelessness: I remembered, 5 of the last 8 years I thought my garden would be great, it went to crap after a month. “I’m an idiot and can’t do anything right!” He’s right, “I’m worthless, good for nothing but drama!” Throwing all my tools, I yelled, “I’ll mow and go down a steep hill and tip the mower by ‘accident’!” I mowed, but that didn’t happen. Hey, at least my neighbors need no TV, they can watch me and be entertained…just like Fred and his customer the last time I called him (he told me this), and most likely the card and letter I put in with his stuff I returned to him…

Anger: Quite loudly, I said, “That S.O.B! He even said I saved his business, and wouldn’t have that f*****g store without me! He’s going to be a big success, opening stores all over the country, never pay me back a penny, have the hottest young girls and bring them to my workplace JUST to taunt me! He’ll be driving those fast, fancy cars he loves so much by my house, with 5 hot girls waving and laughing, honking the horn until I see him! He’ll be the next Donald Trump or Mark Emery! I just KNOW it! He never gave a s**t about me! He just used and drained me until there was nothing more he could get! Barney was right about him!” Vengeance: “Anyone as cruel as he’s been, especially to someone like me, doesn’t deserve ANY success!”

I went back to my garden thinking of things that could prevent him from achieving success. With renewed determination, I hoed, but it wasn’t plots, it was his store windows, new hotties, fancy cars and…his head. I was shouting, basically the same things I’d said in the last paragraph. I threw the weeds, sod, etc. all over the place. As I dumped the soil “concoction” down, they became plots again. Ah, that fresh, earthy smell! Calmness washed over me, for 2 seconds…

That smell reminded me of every time I entered his store. With desperation and longing for him, I cried out loud: “Oh, Fred, I’m so sorry, I’d never hurt you. You deserve all the happiness in the world for enduring years of my s**t. I love you so much and want back in your arms. I’m begging you, please, please reach out to me! I don’t blame you for hating me and I deserve whatever wrath you may have planned!” I must have continued pining and whining for some time, as I noticed it was dark…

The last few days I worked, I couldn’t get through 4 1/2 hours each day without 5 people asking if I was okay and saying how tired and worn out I looked. Great, I’m getting uglier every day. No wonder Fred doesn’t want me and I no longer turn him on!

I thought, wait, maybe there’s something wrong and he’s hurt, that’s why he hasn’t contacted me! So, I checked his Facebook page (the only way I have of knowing he’s okay). He’s been posting a few things every day. Nope, I was right, it’s because he hates me. I quickly closed the browser when I saw a picture with the quote, “If you have time for drama, you’re not gardening enough.” Reality: This blog is proof he’s right: I am worthless and good for nothing but drama! I AM a miserable person who would be better off dead.

2 thoughts on “Phases Map”

  1. My friend, please don’t ever think of doing that. You just need to get it over from him. To take a life out from this beautiful world It is just like, you are taking the life of your own son. My friend, please am begging you love yourself and think about your beloved son who really love and care his Mama a lot. My friend it is better cry in front of your son rather to hide it from at least he is there for you and you will know and see how painful if you see your beloved son seeing his beloved mother so hurt too much. And feel also the pain of his heart and sadness the mother didn’t see it from his eyes. My dear friend please and please stand up for yourself don’t worry about him any more, please stop thinking about him, think for yourself and to your son. That’s all am asking and praying for you.


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