Plain Feelings I Must Get Out…

I know Fred will never see this, and it wouldn’t matter to me if he did. Though I’m trying to forgive him (and myself) and let it go, I have to get this out. I hate to broadcast my “dirty laundry” and drama. Besides, I feel if you don’t want drama, you need to go live in a cave, even then, I’m sure survival mode will have drama of its own. Letter to Fred that will never be sent:

Dear Fred,

I’m trying to forgive you for taking most of my life from me, and forgive myself for being so stupid as to allow you. I’ve had much time to think, and I know my “perceptions” of your treatment of me most of the time was, in fact, just plain cruel. I am astonished anyone could be so cruel to me, after all I’ve done for you. Yes, I, too, have done things that weren’t right, but I was never outright nasty and cruel to you. You were right in what you once said to me, “I think we balance each other out well.” Yes we did, you’ve been more cruel to me than anyone in my adult life, and with the exception of my son, I’ve been kinder to you than anyone in my entire life. Perfect balance, 50/50, in that respect. 90/10 (me/you) in taking care of each other, 75/25 (you/me) hurting each other.

Your promises to never break up or let me go, we belonged together and would be forever, blah, blah blah, were things high school couples say to each other. I was foolish, yes, a high school relationship it was, that lasted longer than normal. Or, are you just a player? Yes, as I looked through my journal entries, you were playing me the whole time. You were good, very good, even Oscar winning. You used me for money, “space” at my house, rides, my vehicle, anything you could get from me. When it became crystal clear I had nothing left to take, you figured, “Oh well, easy come, easy go.” When before, you refused to ever let me go, when I’d even mention it, or gave you “outs”, like you need to tell me yesterday if you even think you can’t be with me. “Oh, I can handle you, I’ll never leave you, no matter what.” High school, or great performances, because you knew you’d lose all I had left to offer? Definitely “player”, because that’s what happened.

No, you didn’t “officially” say the words, “it’s over”, “I don’t want or can’t be with you anymore”, or anything like that. You stated, “If we haven’t been able to work things out by now, we never will.” I perceived that (as anyone would) as the same thing as a “break up”. I never ended it, and even said “If you need anything, you can call me anytime.” You didn’t. You had in the past because there was still some hope you could get more out of me. These are all based upon facts. 1) Right after my 1st miscarriage, you hit me, out of pure anger, over something that was to your benefit. I was ready to walk out the door, you were so sorry, broke down, and swore to get control of your anger. (I still had money) 2) Right after the 2nd miscarriage, you said such cruel and hurtful things, all because I wasn’t there to help you with something I didn’t even know you needed me for. You were so angry, “Where were you today when I needed you, you’re worthless and good for nothing but drama!” I shot back, not in anger, but in shock and pain, “Where were you when I was screaming in pain losing our second child?!” You bent down beside me and laughed…a most sinister laugh. I started out the door, you said, “If you go out that door, don’t ever come back!” I calmly said, “Don’t worry, I won’t. Good luck, you’re gonna need it.” I was halfway home when you called me, “Please come back, please.” Foolishly, I did. Though you were calmer, you weren’t be very nice. I wanted to leave several times, you wouldn’t let me. I didn’t sleep that night at all, and had to work an early 8 hour shift the next morning. (I still had a bit of money, and “precious” items of yours at my home.) 3) After my hugest breakdown last fall, you were rightfully angry, as it was the worst one I ever had that you witnessed. You still continued to come to my house. (you needed to tend to your “precious” things, do your laundry, etc.) You know I could give many more examples, but I’ll stop here.

Oops! I have to take a small part of that back. In the 1st few months we were together, you had told me, never contact me again, etc. I was so foolish as to beg you: “Oh, please take me back!” What you were doing was “testing the waters” to see if you should pursue. When you realized, “Wow, I’ve got her! She is pathetic and desperate!” Ah, you knew then you had a weak, mentally ill and stupid woman, who had money. Taking candy from a baby. Since I was already in a relationship, it was an added benefit that you were able to “steal” a person, you defeated 2 people at once! Now, that’s downright cruel and inhumane.

Breaking up with you on Christmas day was truly cruel of me, I know that, and I’m still very sorry about that. You never contacted me (you knew I had nothing left). After 3 weeks, it was me (again) who broke down and begged you. I suppose you actually took pity on me and figured, “What the hell, she’ll drive 45 minutes down to get me once a week and bring me home the next morning! I can do my laundry, get a massage and foot rub, AND get laid without any effort on my part!” Oh, yes, you’d give me $10. Honey, 10 bucks didn’t cover the gas and noticeable increase in my water bill. After a couple weeks, though I had no money left, you found there was hope that I could still possibly be of more use to you in other ways. Oh, but you were oh-so-careful this time. Your “precious” stuff you brought into my home, was not really that special to you, and you could care less if you lost it. If you hadn’t been the whole time we were together anyway, you met someone else who could be of more use to you than me. You didn’t have the balls to tell me, you just treated me like total shit, and knew I was so weak I’d end it, leaving you off the hook. Of course, you didn’t contact me. After 3 weeks, on Memorial Day, being miserable by myself in the king size bed, Jacuzzi suite (at a non-refundable rate) I booked for us months ago, I called you. Your store was closed, I blocked my number, and you answered: “Hello”. You never answered your phone when you were closed unless it was me or your Mother. Of course, that’s only when I was around, so I guess I truly don’t know for sure. The ONLY time you EVER answered simply, “Hello”, (that I ever heard) was the 1st time I called you, almost 6 years ago. You always say “********” (your store’s name), unless it was me or your Mom, it was, “What are you up to?”

Combined with your total disregard for my feelings, utter indifference, could-care-less if you ever heard from me attitude, tells me you are, without a doubt, talking to (at the very least) someone else. I went a few days without contacting you, then your Probation Officer called me asking for you. I couldn’t figure out why he called me, and you’re lucky I didn’t give him your real phone number. I felt it was the right thing to do to give you the message. We talked and had a pleasant conversation, I figured you’d call me later that night, you didn’t. I remembered, you ended the conversation with “I’m sure I’ll talk to you at some point.” Without thinking, I called you when I was walking into work yesterday morning, and asked, “Just what does ‘I’m sure we’ll talk at some point’ mean?”. Your reply, “That’s just something you say when you end a phone call.” WTF! You’ve NEVER said that to me, or anyone!!!!! You asked if I wanted to come to your house later and stay the night. I was so tempted, but said no. Besides, I wouldn’t put it passed you to have been an hour away at your Mother’s, you know, the address you changed your driver’s license to so you wouldn’t have to worry about your Probation Officer showing up where you really live? Then you could say, “You never showed up.” Sorry, history has proven you are more than capable of such cruelty.

You may have a genius IQ, an excellent memory and be great at solving problems (so you say, but, history has proven that not to be completely true). Though I’ll always remember the incredible sex and how hot you are, you sir, are a coward, manipulator and the cruelest (sure I still don’t yet know the depths of your cruelty) person I’ve ever met! You’re an expert in “double-talk” and “side-stepping”. You haven’t given a solid answer to anything in months! You once said you would like run for County Commissioner someday, you should! Your the perfect candidate, and would need no advisor!!! You told me more than once, “I can ‘dance’ and I will cut you down”.

I hate to say it, Barney was right, you are a despicable person who took advantage of a vulnerable woman! I have to laugh when you once said you were more of a man than Barney or my son’s father combined. Hah! You were and never will be even a tenth of the men they are!! Well, congratulations, you must be so proud! You took down a mentally disabled woman, who was kinder to you than anyone ever was (so you said). Ah, yes, something a “real” man should be proud of…

I do believe in Karma, being “played” by you is mine for hurting Barney like I did, 10 fold. Karma shall come for you, also. It’s so tempting for me “help” it along by naming you and your store, I could, as I’m not committing libel or slander. Everything I’ve written in my blog or told anyone is true, and I have proof that it is. You would have to prove that it’s false AND damaging to you in some potentially negative, life altering way. If I still didn’t have some love left for you and other people I care about who could be hurt, I WOULD. I just hope and pray Karma finds you before you have a chance to do this to another person…

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