I was going to do away with this whole post, but my point at the end will be much clearer if I leave it as it is. Indulge me, if you will, in “Part 2 of ‘My Miseries'”:
I’m such a mess (in case you haven’t picked up on that yet). Last week, I was sitting on my porch, looking at Fred and my “naughty” pictures together, some of us just passionately kissing. Blubbering, I emailed them to him, asking if it was all a lie. He called that night. Again, he clearly feels it was all me, and my “bad behavior”, which he won’t “engage” me in. Do you think fully addressing my feelings is “bad behavior”? Maybe it is. But he sees nothing wrong in the way he treated me the last few months, let alone the better part of our relationship. I asked why he never reached out to me. His response? “I’m not a glutton for punishment.” I am the biggest one, I suppose, because I just can’t let go of him. Why, I don’t know. Though, he did say, “I love you” before we hung up. Afterwards, I let out a desperate scream and sobbed. I smacked myself, “Why did I contact him? Can’t I take a hint?” “Why can’t he just simply tell me he doesn’t want to see me anymore?”
Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt me. WTF! Does he think that just not talking to me anymore–after almost 6 years–hurts any less? Come on now, that’s high school behavior! And he says I’m immature?! Or, maybe he just wants to say I ended it, so it won’t look like he’d broken a promise. Either way, he’s a coward. He’s about as much of a man as I am normal!! I asked a few weeks ago, “Do you want to work things out?” He side-stepped, “I think we already have, I want to move forward.” The answer is either, “Yes, I do”, or, “No, I don’t.”
I was hoping he’d call me the next night, but he didn’t. Now, that’s proof positive he wants nothing to do with me and used me. The last email I sent him:
Fred, this is what you should have said to me:
“Isis…I don’t want to be with you anymore…I never loved you…I played you…I HATE you…you have nothing left I can take from you…the sight and even thought of you sickens me…I don’t care at all about you…don’t ever bother me again…leave me alone…we are done…hate you always Fred”
I’m sorry you’re a coward and weren’t man enough to tell me, if anyone ever asks me, you ended it with me.
My response: Clearly…I now know that…that…that…you’re wrong about that…getting to that point myself…know that, but I still care about you…I won’t…I will…I know…unfortunately, I still love you…love you always, Isis”
Yes, indeed, it was a pathetic and desperate attempt, and I displayed my weakness. But I had to do it. Maybe he didn’t read it, deleted as soon as he saw my name. I was really hoping he would call me and tell me he loved me and wanted to really try, but he didn’t.
The cycle of depression and anger is much worse than before. I manage to run places and get the ‘bare essentials’ for my home. I used to look around and take my time to shop, use coupons, etc. Can’t do that now. If I eat anything, it doesn’t stay in me, so I rarely bother. I’ve tried to work in the yard, do woodwork, and gardening, anything to get my mind off of him. I last 30 minutes, ultimately ending up on my porch or somewhere else in my yard, chain smoking, look at our pictures and cry. I can’t bring myself to delete them or get rid of anything that reminds me of him. He was a huge part of my life for almost 6 years, there is no “delete” button for that. I’ll never forget any aspect of our relationship (good or bad).
My depression is growing worse, longing for him is setting in, almost as if it just happened. It is so difficult to believe there are such cruel people in the world, especially if you thought that person truly loved and cared about you. I suppose at one time he did, back when I had things that were of value to him. I have to wonder, can he actually have no conscience? Does he not believe that our history has proven what I’ve been writing all along is true, that he played me for the miserable fool I am? To you, Fred, I say, “You had a huge impact on who I’ve become.”
I’ve not hidden the things I’ve done. I’ve said things that weren’t nice or very positive to him, though not on the “constant” basis he believes. In our first year together, I cheated on him, lied to him and continued to allow Barney to reside at my home, meaning he couldn’t come to my house. I told him all I did right after I did it, I didn’t continue to lie straight to his face for years, like he did me. He knew about my illness, and that I had great sadness from my past within me. Why wouldn’t he have truly ended it then? Why would he have made attempts to keep me, and not flat out tell me to go away? I suppose he tried, and I, like a fool, couldn’t let him go. He reached out in some way though. Most likely to keep me because I had money, and great potential for him to gain more. It must just be a coincidence that since I have nothing left and no more potential to gain anything, he abandoned me when I’m clearly in my greatest need…
Last night, I read in depth of the events during the last week in the world. 95% have been horrendous tragedies. Mass shootings, children being killed, innocents taken hostage, on and on. My country’s Presidential election has turned into a joke and divided not just the parties, but the country as well. I cried for the families of the victims and the future of my country. I crumbled in guilt of all the personal miseries I’ve been broadcasting here. How can I be this self-absorbed? I’m depressed over someone who wasn’t man enough to come right out and tell me it was over? I’m upset because I was played for a fool? I’m worried and paranoid about what Fred may or may not do to me? I’m resentful because I don’t look like a Playboy model?
I grew angry with my selfishness. In this world today, I’m depressed and unable to go on, because of THOSE issues? And because some immature “man” has taken so much from me and never truly cared about me? Yes, that has left me with a broken heart, I have a severe mental illness and suffer from chronic pain: All issues those families would give anything to face if it would erase these tragedies and bring their loved ones back.
My point: It’s most unfortunate for it to take these horrific events for me to awaken this morning with a renewed appreciation for what I do have good in my life. Yes, all my issues remain, I’m still very angry with and hurt by Fred: But, I’m still here, I have my son and my family. I have good shelter and much more than the basic necessities in life. I will try to focus on these good things and try to write more positively. I understand that I will fall back, but I do have the ability to spring back up. I just have to DO it.