I titled my last post wrong, I apologize, as it did NOT end on a positive note. The current state of the world is not positive at all. It is sad when such tragedies are what it took to make me realize: My recent “miseries” and “issues” are not that bad. All the victims and their families suffered and are suffering the ultimate pain. And there are indeed much crueler people in the world, thankfully, I have not met them. I’ll get to why I chose this title on down.
I think about the pain and humiliation from Fred (every 10 minutes). It’s a daily struggle to “get over” and “let go of” him. My “issues”, you know, all the “Oh, poor me–go eat worms” stuff isn’t going away. Nor do I believe the anger at him and myself will. It dawned on me: My focus must be on NOT what he has taken from me, but what I’ve gained from knowing him, and (my son pointed this one out) what I will gain without him in my life. So, here goes:
From knowing him:
1) Rescued 2 beautiful kitties, who’ve rescued me as well.
2) Learned more about different aspects of gardening.
3) Discovered some new and delicious varieties of Cucumbers, Tomatoes, and Peppers.
4) Found some of the best organic gardening products that have helped my garden produce much better.
5) Most likely wouldn’t have found I enjoy woodworking, or doing this blog.
6) Have a better understanding about myself, my disorders, and have no doubts that “love” is NOT for me, nor can I sustain any healthy relationship of a “romantic” nature with anyone.
Without him in my life:
1) A much better relationship with my son and family, who are truly helping me when I’m in need.
2) Put all (rather, what’s left of) my heart into caring and being there for them.
3) Time to do things I neglected in and around my home, without worry he’ll be mad for me not being able to go down.
4) I’ll save money on gas, which will help me get out of debt.
5) Know for sure that though the grass may appear “greener on the other side”, it becomes a complete desert for me.
6) Have the time to put into the Fundraiser I organize, to make it as big a success as it can be.
7) Certainty: I CAN NOT stop or be without my medications!!!
About a week ago at work, I almost said his name, for some reason, “Voldemort” came out of my mouth. Though I am displaying cruelty by referring to him this way, but for me, it’s crucial to reference him as, “He who must not be named”, or “You-Know-Who”. It seems to put things in a better perspective for me, as to go on, I have to remember he was the “Dark Lord”. So, from now on, I’ll be referring to Fred as “V” (for Voldemort). Although, at this point, we all know I’d go back to him in a heartbeat if he reached out to me…
I know I’ll still cry and have anger. I will miss him, his cute dimple when he smiles, his dreamy eyes, perfect butt, and yes, the incredible sex. I’ll go through “woe is me”, have angry and vengeful thoughts, then want to reach out to him desperately, “I’m so sorry! Please, please, I beg you to give me another chance!” I’ll cycle through those for some time. With Bipolar Disorder, I know I will anyway, not matter what the reason. Again, I remember, “Just what am I apologizing for? Having this disorder? Being who I am?” That stops me from doing so, and if I were to attempt any contact at all, any negative response would be exactly what I deserved. He’s clearly moved on, now I HAVE to.
I have no interest or desire to enter into any type of relationship. No dating, “friends w/ benefits”, “hanging out”, or anything! A man asked me out to dinner, nope. A guy who I used to date years ago wanted to have coffee, nope. Someone I used to “fling” with occasionally suggested we do so again, absolutely not!! The only man I want anything with is “V”. Even though he threw it away, my heart will always be with him. I am ruined for anything with anyone. Perhaps all the men out there should be giving him a “high 5”, for saving them from me.
Friends and family have said, “Oh, he wasn’t the right one for you.” “The right one will find you, and when he does, you’ll know.” If he wasn’t the “right” one, nobody is, as I’ve never felt that way about anyone in my whole life. And I’ll remember, it was “V” who “found” me. And, well, we all know how that turned out. I do not want to try to have anything with anyone. Making efforts to even have conversations with my relatives and the FEW friends I have, has become something I have no interest in. Why would I want to talk to anyone when all I have is “V” on my mind, and my racing, “creepy” thoughts? There’s enough misery in the world today, MUCH greater than mine.
It’s a constant struggle to focus on the things I listed above, but I have realized it’s what I HAVE to do. I am somewhat proud of myself, in the last 5 days, I have managed to work on some of those things, actually completed one! I had been working (for 7 months!) on refinishing a small camp table I bought for a buck at a yard sale 7 years ago, and just finished it (yeah!). I had truly meaningful talks with my son, enabling our relationship to be stronger. I have been finishing some small projects in my yard.
My Kale & Lettuce turned out so well, they “over produced”! I have so much, I can’t use it all! I was ready to yank it all out after 6 weeks because it looked so crappy and didn’t seem to be growing at all. The day I went out to destroy it, it appeared 10 times bigger, full and lush! 2 weeks later, I harvested so much I was was able to give some to co-workers! Let’s hope the tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, etc. do the same! Though this is a success for me, it’s also a sadness: Much of this garden was for “V” and me. I had plans on making all these vegetarian dishes for us. I have no desire to make any now, as it depresses me that I can’t sit and enjoy any dinners that “V” and I were going to have together, and my son doesn’t care for them.
For weeks, I couldn’t sit on my couch at all, let alone watch anything. All I saw were mirages of “V” beside me while I rubbed his feet, which led to other parts of his body, which led to… The last few days, I managed to sit (a little bit at a time), and eventually could keep enough focus on 3 seasons of different shows on “Netflix”, and finished watching all the episodes!
I made additional progress on my fundraiser, not much, but a little. I’m down to 1 pack a day, still way to much, but better than what I was. I have been able to eat a bit more, and it’s staying in me. I’ve managed to be somewhat more in control of my “verge of crying” at work. I’m beginning to get excited about one concert this summer, though it’s the one “V” and are were not going to together.
Even though the cycling thoughts of “V” are still constantly on my mind, I’ve made progress. It’s been 3 days since I looked at our pictures, 5 days since I’ve peeked at his Facebook page, 10 days since we’ve spoken, 9 days since I emailed him, and almost 2 months since I’ve seen him. And I haven’t attempted to drive to his store! It’s not time that has helped me. I hate to admit this because it shames me, but I truly believe the unfortunate world events and referring to him as “V” = Voldemort, has helped me make the bit of progress I have.