Yes, I’m a miserable human being and would be better off dead. I love drama and dragging my friends and family into it. Here’s the main contribution as to why:
This is Voldemort’s Facebook profile picture. And yes, it’s cute, but the devil in the true sense of the word is what he turns into.
I sat alone most of the night, crying (gee, what else is new?) V’s latest words rang in my head from when I had to call him about something personal he should be aware of (it was the morally right thing to do) last week. I also kind of fibbed in a way, but it wasn’t a lie, I just haven’t been “formally” told. I guess part of me wanted to see if he had a drop of humanity left. No, apparently not. I said, “Congratulations, you’ve won.” He said, “I know, I told you I would.” Ah, yes, V, you have won.
I’m so far down a well, pulling myself out seems pointless. Yes, I know there are much worse things in the world. Yes, I know I am luckier than a lot of people. And yes, I know hearts get broken every day. Why is mine any more “special”? To most, I’m sure it’s not. But, if you’ve read any of my past blog posts, you would see how I think it is. I need no commitment to a mental facility, nor do I need a therapist. I’ve tried those, numerous times. They ended up making things worse for me.
I can not deal with one more person who tells me things like, “He wasn’t right for you, you’ll meet the right one when you least expect it.”, “It takes time to heal.” or, “Just let it go.” Nor do I need anymore people “bashing” V. I know what he did, bashing him makes me feel even more stupid. And as for finding the “right” one, I thought V was! He came along and sought me out when I wasn’t looking or “expecting” it.
Oh, how in love I was with him. I never gave that much of myself to a man. With the understanding that I’d be paid back, I put over $12,000 into his business. Gave him “space” at my house for his “precious” things, was there 90% of the time for him, even when it was a hardship for me. I gave him opportunity after opportunity to end it if he couldn’t handle my Bipolar and other issues. Oh, “No, babe, it’s you and me forever, I’m never letting you go.” When I had a breakdown and was having a difficult time, he decided to, well, let’s just say he didn’t pursue me anymore, or say those sweet things. Instead, he said horrible things, and made fun of me. Just so happens that I had no money left, “other resources” or couldn’t offer him “space” for his “things”. What would you think? And I’m a miserable person. Who wouldn’t be after that?
It also annoys me when people refer to those who’ve committed suicide as cowards. If you’ve never been in a situation where you felt you had no way out or no alternative, I suppose you might feel like that. But believe me, you never want to be at such a low point in your life. Imagine yourself feeling so hopeless, so beaten down and truly believe there’s no way out. Now, you may think you would never get to that point, and I hope you never do. For me, I’ve looked at all the ways I could turn, what “roads” I could go down and every one of them ends with a lifeless me.
Every option I have isn’t going to “undo” the damage. And it’s been months, if it hasn’t even started to heal now, it’s not going to. “Let it go”, “Show him your better than this”, “As long as you keep up like this, he’s still beating you.” Well, I can’t let it go. I want to, but I can’t. I’m not better than “this”, I’m a mess. The guy has already beaten me, the nasty things he said, those empty promises, the money I’ll never see and knowing he’s just fine and dandy. And, he’s already using someone else.
I see all those posts and pictures about how hate breeds hate, etc. I’ve also seen if you send out love and kindness, that will breed as well. Not true. I’ve been a generally loving, kind, caring person (so I’ve been told), helped others, even when I really couldn’t, and loved V so much, I was terrified of losing him. I showed him over and over how much I loved him. He would tell me he loved me, but rarely showed it.
So, why then, you ask, “Why did you stay with him for so long?” Because I loved him with all my heart. That was my crime. There were many things I did early on in the relationship that most men would have ran for the hills. No, not him. I still had so much for him to gain. 5 1/2 years later, when the well went dry, and I was having a difficult time, he decided to run. And he’s already with someone else. Wow, he sure falls in and out of love quickly.
I can’t move on. I’ve tried. Every time I almost reach to top of the well, there is his face, with that cocky smile, roaring, “You’re a miserable f*****g c**t!” Back to the bottom I go. I’m running out of strength to even try coming out anymore. Unfortunately, I have a few things that I’ve promised to do for a few people and a community fundraiser. I can’t even keep focus on getting that started. But, I care about it and the people who are counting on me for a few things. I will do what I can to fulfill those commitments. After that, all bets are off. It’s so difficult to not just “accidentally” fall off the tractor, or take to many pills, but like I said, I will see these things through, and I’ll commit to no more.
I sound like a “scorned” woman. Okay, yes, I am. But finding out for sure he’s taken advantage of another person’s kindness before me, tells me that’s the type of person he is. I can’t rest or move on until I know he’s lost at least half as much as he took from me. He also has lied to customers and his prices are way above “reasonable”. You can drive an hour and find the exact same stuff for way less (price of gas included). I have witnessed some of his business practices that are shady. I supported him, defended him, lied for him, stood up for him and did things that could have had a HUGE negative impact on me and my family. Why? Because I loved him. The money I put into his business was with the understanding that I would be paid back. There was no “as long as we’re together” clause. Sorry, a respectable, responsible business man at the very least, makes solid payment arrangements that are satisfactory to both parties. He is not even a man, at this point, he meets the definition of a male, biologically.
I would never want to read or hear that another has suffered at his hands like this, knowing that I could have prevented it in some way. I really don’t want any harm to come to him, but there has to be a reckoning, he has to face some kind of consequences. “Karma will get him.” Oh, please!!! When? After he’s done this to more people? Oh, that’s fair. I think he has been appointed by Karma itself to unleash bad karma on people.